perhaps blogging is one of those healthy things like praying and sleeping that i make up reasons not to do.
so my life has just been full of adventures and funny/awkward situations and lots of giggles lately. here is a list of my favorite things about my life right now:
-watching myself turn into a true chicagoan as i wear more and more black.
-doing collegey things like eating easy mac for breakfast and being up till 2am for no reason (although the novelty of that IS wearing off).
-making friends that i love and now having four wardrobes instead of one.
-riding the el and seeing funny people and cheating death by risking exposure to h1n1.
-the small group of campus poets i have connected with and how happy and full my heart gets when we exchange our art.
-being on dryer lawn late at night (this is especially fun when people see my from afar and think that i am a man).
-the exorbitant amounts of coffee i now have legitimate excuses to drink.
right now i feel a little like God is the concrete, and i keep falling off my theology tricycle and scraping my knee. it's good... but it's hard. i never imagined God would be this good to me, that i would be right here right now. and now that i am He's pretty much taking all my assumptions about him and turning them upside down. God is so unpredictable sometimes, and i think that is one of the reasons why i like Him and keep coming back to Him. i never get bored with Him. but in any case my theology has been pretty much wrecked since i got to moody... i never realized what kind of things i believed about God till i started hearing the things that were true about Him. funny how that works.
well right now i am sitting in the library and it is time for me to go to dinner with my love hannah paasch. i shall be writing again soon though because i forgot how much i liked this.
love,
emily
Monday, November 2, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
"my heart is a well"
my heart is a well and the water
runs close to the surface.
it's cool and clear in plain view.
nothing to offer but water,
but though it's transparent
it's bottomless and vast.
and supposing one would look
he might see himself in it—
like a mirror gives a reflection.
my heart is a well and the water
laughs pure like a baby yet
swallows whole like a sea monster:
fully immersed or desiccated,
though each is a type of death.
and though naked and weak
my heart is free.
though there's nowhere to hide,
there's nowhere i need to flee.
i am not ashamed.
runs close to the surface.
it's cool and clear in plain view.
nothing to offer but water,
but though it's transparent
it's bottomless and vast.
and supposing one would look
he might see himself in it—
like a mirror gives a reflection.
my heart is a well and the water
laughs pure like a baby yet
swallows whole like a sea monster:
fully immersed or desiccated,
though each is a type of death.
and though naked and weak
my heart is free.
though there's nowhere to hide,
there's nowhere i need to flee.
i am not ashamed.
Monday, September 7, 2009
"gamble"
you breathe slowly with calculation.
another inch of distance
you check off your to-do list.
a refusal to act self-conscious
but an indulgence is all you ever give.
warmth isn't the rule but the exception.
you feel slowly with calculation.
which isn't feeling but arithmetic—
isn't life but a plan to slowly end it.
you think quickly, though, with expectation.
deep down you're still hoping
for a change in your situation.
deep down trust is a current and you're just
swimming against it,
and faith is isn't the rule but the exception.
you gamble slowly with calculation.
but it's still a gamble.
another inch of distance
you check off your to-do list.
a refusal to act self-conscious
but an indulgence is all you ever give.
warmth isn't the rule but the exception.
you feel slowly with calculation.
which isn't feeling but arithmetic—
isn't life but a plan to slowly end it.
you think quickly, though, with expectation.
deep down you're still hoping
for a change in your situation.
deep down trust is a current and you're just
swimming against it,
and faith is isn't the rule but the exception.
you gamble slowly with calculation.
but it's still a gamble.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
"everything's gonna be all right"
it's late. we're sitting across from each other in the cafe.
i'm distracted by the plastic cup and you're patient.
and there's a song playing that says,
"everything's gonna be all right."
and everything's gonna be all right.
yet we reminisce and wonder why it has to be this way.
i have to go cause it doesn't make sense to stay:
my destiny is a magnet,
and it always has been pulling me
farther and farther away.
it's late. this night is a sunset and we're both wondering
if it's ever going to rise again. but you're patient.
and there's a song playing that says,
"everything's gonna be all right."
and everything's gonna be all right.
i'm distracted by the plastic cup and you're patient.
and there's a song playing that says,
"everything's gonna be all right."
and everything's gonna be all right.
yet we reminisce and wonder why it has to be this way.
i have to go cause it doesn't make sense to stay:
my destiny is a magnet,
and it always has been pulling me
farther and farther away.
it's late. this night is a sunset and we're both wondering
if it's ever going to rise again. but you're patient.
and there's a song playing that says,
"everything's gonna be all right."
and everything's gonna be all right.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
apart from my performance.
there have been a couple of people who were at the cafe last friday night who asked me what it was that i read when i was talking about me and Jesus and how He's fixing my view of myself.
it's something i first saw when i stayed in florida for a month last year, in my friend melissa's house. she has a few copies of it printed out and taped up in different places, like the bathroom and the door to the garage. it goes like this:
"i have great worth apart from my performance
because Christ loved me and gave His life for me,
and therefore imparted great value to me.
i am deeply loved,
fully pleasing,
totally accepted,
and complete in Christ Jesus."
i love that. the first time i saw it, for one i immediately fell in love with melissa, but for two something in that rang very true to me and touched something deep inside that needed to be touched.
i recently set it as my desktop wallpaper so that every time i open my computer i'm reminded that i don't have live like that, i don't have to feel guilty anymore, i don't have to punish myself because Christ was punished for me. i don't have to be perfect because Christ was perfect for me. and it's my responsibility to forgive myself because Christ already has.
that's something. i've realized that God has forgiven me for every wrong thing i've ever done, and every wrong thing i'll do today, and every wrong thing i'll ever do. God sees everything that's going to happen, and knows that i'll go on sinning for the rest of my life, but He'll forgive me every single time. knowing that, the difference in my life is not whether God forgives me but whether i choose to live in that reality. when God looks at me He doesn't see my sins. He just sees Jesus in me; He sees righteousness. and i need to see Jesus in me, who helps me to be righteous, rather than focusing constantly and solely on my own shortcomings. i don't have to live like that, and that is beautiful.
changing topics: it is not a little after 6 in the morning. i've been up since 2.15am, wide awake, and haven't been able to go back to sleep, and i have no idea why. i slept for 2 or 3 hours, and i was dreaming about something though i can't remember what, and then i woke up and had tons of energy. so i watched a whole disc of season 4 of the office, then after that ran its course i turned my tv off and tried to see if the darkness would make me sleepier, which didn't work. then i tried my ipod and watched a couple episodes of spongebob squarepants (don't you judge me), which also didn't work. finally aubrey's alarm went off a little before five—she was getting up to go somewhere with youth group all day—and i decided the most logical course of action would be to get up and watch the morning news and at least do something productive with my time.
and, that's where i am now. also i have quite a fragrant mix of nutmeg and milk on my face, a homemade acne remedy that i found on the internet. so… i'll let you know how that goes.
emily
it's something i first saw when i stayed in florida for a month last year, in my friend melissa's house. she has a few copies of it printed out and taped up in different places, like the bathroom and the door to the garage. it goes like this:
"i have great worth apart from my performance
because Christ loved me and gave His life for me,
and therefore imparted great value to me.
i am deeply loved,
fully pleasing,
totally accepted,
and complete in Christ Jesus."
i love that. the first time i saw it, for one i immediately fell in love with melissa, but for two something in that rang very true to me and touched something deep inside that needed to be touched.
i recently set it as my desktop wallpaper so that every time i open my computer i'm reminded that i don't have live like that, i don't have to feel guilty anymore, i don't have to punish myself because Christ was punished for me. i don't have to be perfect because Christ was perfect for me. and it's my responsibility to forgive myself because Christ already has.
that's something. i've realized that God has forgiven me for every wrong thing i've ever done, and every wrong thing i'll do today, and every wrong thing i'll ever do. God sees everything that's going to happen, and knows that i'll go on sinning for the rest of my life, but He'll forgive me every single time. knowing that, the difference in my life is not whether God forgives me but whether i choose to live in that reality. when God looks at me He doesn't see my sins. He just sees Jesus in me; He sees righteousness. and i need to see Jesus in me, who helps me to be righteous, rather than focusing constantly and solely on my own shortcomings. i don't have to live like that, and that is beautiful.
changing topics: it is not a little after 6 in the morning. i've been up since 2.15am, wide awake, and haven't been able to go back to sleep, and i have no idea why. i slept for 2 or 3 hours, and i was dreaming about something though i can't remember what, and then i woke up and had tons of energy. so i watched a whole disc of season 4 of the office, then after that ran its course i turned my tv off and tried to see if the darkness would make me sleepier, which didn't work. then i tried my ipod and watched a couple episodes of spongebob squarepants (don't you judge me), which also didn't work. finally aubrey's alarm went off a little before five—she was getting up to go somewhere with youth group all day—and i decided the most logical course of action would be to get up and watch the morning news and at least do something productive with my time.
and, that's where i am now. also i have quite a fragrant mix of nutmeg and milk on my face, a homemade acne remedy that i found on the internet. so… i'll let you know how that goes.
emily
Sunday, August 9, 2009
summer & school.
hello everyone.
i am here to say that i have failed miserably at keeping my new year's resolution of blogging… what was it, once a week? horrible. i mean at least i kept up some poetry, which as usual no one commented on, but really. it's not like i didn't have time. mostly i am just a lazy bum and a useless member of society.
summer has been good to me thus far. i went back to the dominican republic in june with my church, as well as to cornerstone for a week, down to florida to visit the loves of my life there, to camp timber-lee in wisconsin where i'm thinking about applying for a counselor position next summer, and to virginia beach on vacation with my family. it's been busy and i feel like i've hardly been home at all, though it's nothing compared to how much i was gone last summer. in any case i've been swimming in my pool exactly once, and so that is what i am going to do after i finish writing this blog and ordering this jacket.
first day of classes at moody is the 24th, though i have to be there on the 19th for orientation. frankly though i'd rather leave tomorrow; i'm so excited! i feel so lucky and blessed to be able to go to moody—it's such a good school. i still have so much to do/buy/prepare for but it's not really that stressful cause i'm so pumped.
additionally, i am just excited to move to chicago in general. i was thinking about trying out church at Jesus people usa, and i am excited about learning all the public transportation, except the subway, of which i am scared to death.
in any case, i am going to try again to keep up my writing, especially since now i'm moving and doing all sorts of fun and exciting things.
10 days!
emily
i am here to say that i have failed miserably at keeping my new year's resolution of blogging… what was it, once a week? horrible. i mean at least i kept up some poetry, which as usual no one commented on, but really. it's not like i didn't have time. mostly i am just a lazy bum and a useless member of society.
summer has been good to me thus far. i went back to the dominican republic in june with my church, as well as to cornerstone for a week, down to florida to visit the loves of my life there, to camp timber-lee in wisconsin where i'm thinking about applying for a counselor position next summer, and to virginia beach on vacation with my family. it's been busy and i feel like i've hardly been home at all, though it's nothing compared to how much i was gone last summer. in any case i've been swimming in my pool exactly once, and so that is what i am going to do after i finish writing this blog and ordering this jacket.
first day of classes at moody is the 24th, though i have to be there on the 19th for orientation. frankly though i'd rather leave tomorrow; i'm so excited! i feel so lucky and blessed to be able to go to moody—it's such a good school. i still have so much to do/buy/prepare for but it's not really that stressful cause i'm so pumped.
additionally, i am just excited to move to chicago in general. i was thinking about trying out church at Jesus people usa, and i am excited about learning all the public transportation, except the subway, of which i am scared to death.
in any case, i am going to try again to keep up my writing, especially since now i'm moving and doing all sorts of fun and exciting things.
10 days!
emily
Monday, August 3, 2009
"brain garden"
i'm deconstructing every thought i ever had about you,
'cause they were all selfish.
you were marble in my brain garden, an infallible statue.
you were the embodiment of flawlessness,
to which i was a passerby.
and hidden in the sylvan halls i nursed a lack of boldness:
i was ephemeral, and far too naive,
and for every inelegance i ascribed to you a grace.
but immortal stone itself couldn't contend
with the ideals etched in fixation and steeped in habit.
and were the gods in the gardens subject to my scrutiny
they would all find me crazy.
and though i know this, old obsessions die hard.
and so i'm deconstructing every thought i ever had about you,
'cause they were all selfish.
and a disservice was all i ever did you.
but redemption is sweet, rushing red in great bursts.
it colors my skin.
'cause they were all selfish.
you were marble in my brain garden, an infallible statue.
you were the embodiment of flawlessness,
to which i was a passerby.
and hidden in the sylvan halls i nursed a lack of boldness:
i was ephemeral, and far too naive,
and for every inelegance i ascribed to you a grace.
but immortal stone itself couldn't contend
with the ideals etched in fixation and steeped in habit.
and were the gods in the gardens subject to my scrutiny
they would all find me crazy.
and though i know this, old obsessions die hard.
and so i'm deconstructing every thought i ever had about you,
'cause they were all selfish.
and a disservice was all i ever did you.
but redemption is sweet, rushing red in great bursts.
it colors my skin.
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